Shiver Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Song:  Shiver by Coldplay Fic:  By Animegeik

I almost pranced as I followed Roy Mustang, my Colonel across the street - I was so excited.  I was finally asked to join him and my coworkers for a drink at the pub after work.  Although, it wasn’t so much the other men I cared about, it was Roy I wanted to be with.   It seemed like I'd been waiting forever for this chance, I'm eighteen now, after all.  The wind howled around us and I watched Roy pull his trench coat up around his ears as we walked.  It was a chill fall evening and I could feel a storm on its way.

So I look in your direction
But you pay me no attention, do you
I know you don't listen to me
'cause you say you see straight through me, don't you

When we arrived, I brushed the cold off myself and was immediately disappointed.  All of Roy’s colleges and subordinate’s seemed to be there.  After Roy hung his coat up on the hanger at the door, they surrounded him.  I peered through the smoke into the dingy pub interior to see a scotch and an empty seat ready for him at a tall table in the pub.  Roy was obviously pleased to see them; I watched him smile as the instant chatter started.

I, instead, ambled to the bar, unnoticed, and ordered myself a beer.  I took a quick gulp of it and set my mug down.  I gazed over at Roy; my eyes roamed his silky black hair and noted the way his eyes seemed to sparkle with the attention he received.  But Roy didn’t notice I was no longer at his side.  Why was it so easy for everyone else to small talk with Roy, but not me?  It seemed like I always got tongue tied every time I tried, so I've always just kept our conversations on work or just traded insults.  I gazed back at my beer and ran a finger around the rim of my glass.  When I returned my gaze to Roy, I tried in desperation to understand what everyone was talking about; I just wanted to be involved somehow.

I remembered back to earlier that day, I'd tried to tell Roy about why I messed up on my last assignment.  He wouldn't listen; he always thinks he knows everything.  So then, I lied.  I should have known better, I thought with a smile, Roy knew right away.  He even said, as I clearly remembered it, "Come on, Ed, don't lie to me.  You know I can see straight through you."  Roy had his signature smirk, his eyes had flashed in that adoring way, melting my heart in an instant.  "Damn him," I muttered to myself and pulled my beer mug back up to my lips.

But on and on from the moment I wake
To the moment I sleep
I'll be there by your side
Just you try and stop me
I'll be waiting in line
Just to see if you care

After taking a quick sip of my beer, I kept my mug held high and strode to a nearby booth.  I plopped myself down, placed my beer in front of me, then rested my elbow on the table.  I lowered my face to rest in my palm and sighed as I gazed back at Roy.  I noticed everyone was laughing now.  Havoc even slapped Roy on the back and nodded his head.  

My heart began to pound, why wasn't I the one slapping Roy's back, sitting next to him, laughing with him?  What would it take to get his attention anyway?  If he only knew how I thought about him all the time.  As soon as I woke until I went to sleep, all I ever thought about was this man.  And my dreams, well, let's just say they were pretty vivid sometimes.  Too vivid, clean the sheets vivid, damn-it.  

Suddenly, I saw Roy's eyes scan the room.  They rested squarely on me.  I felt a rush of adrenaline pulse through my body.  Did he finally notice I was no longer by his side?  Did he even care?  I stood up, shifted my gaze to my feet for a moment and felt heat on my face, was I embarrassed now?  I was such an idiot sometimes.  But, when I looked back at Roy, disappointment crashed hard into me, Roy's attentions were back with the others.

Well, it was now or never, I told myself.  I marched over to where the others were huddled around him and pushed my way through to stand directly next to my Roy.  

"And then, did you see the look on Riza's face?" Roy said with a smirk and a nod to me.

I dropped my gaze to the floor again, Roy looked at me!  At me!  I didn't even register his words after that, instead I focused on the way his full lips moved when he spoke, the way his eyes flashed and twinkled when he laughed.  God, what was it about this man that had me so entranced?

Then I saw it again, he clearly looked directly at me and smiled.  He smiled at me, not Havoc, not Fuery, not Armstrong, it was me.  My heart fluttered so hard I had to clutch my chest to get it to stop.  

"You okay, Fullmetal?" Roy asked me, suddenly.

He was looking at me, again, waiting for me to answer.  "Uh, yeah, why wouldn't I be okay?"  Oh my God, it showed: my fear, my apprehension, my flushed face.  I turned away quickly to hide.  But, he noticed.

Did you want me to change
Well I changed for good
And I want you to know
That you’ll always get your way
I wanted to say

I tried to gather my thoughts, I knew I'd changed over the years, I wasn't nearly as hotheaded and I rarely called him bastard anymore.  I wondered if he'd noticed?  I'd have loved to just yell at him, tell him I'm not a kid anymore.  I grew up.  I had feelings, real feelings.  I cared about more than myself and the philosopher's stone.  But, I'd never say those things; I just didn't have the courage, yet.

"Hey Fullmetal, would you mind getting me another drink?"  Roy asked, holding his glass up to me.

"Uh, sure," I replied with a smile.  I'd do anything for him, if only he knew.  I grabbed his glass from him and strode to the bar.   I ordered Roy's drink and another beer for myself, then made my way back to his side.  I handed him his newly refilled scotch.

"Hey, thanks, Ed."  Roy paused; then turned to face me directly.  "Why have you been so nice lately anyway?"  He gave me his signature smirk.

How was I supposed to reply to that?  Should I just tell him, hey, it's because I have a terrible infatuation with you.  It's because I'm deeply and hopelessly in love with you.  Oh, he would just die.  Instead, I chuckled.  "I don't know, didn't notice, I guess."

Roy briefly placed his hand on my back and gave me a warm smile.  "It's nice."  Then he turned to his audience and began another story.

I could have kissed him in that moment.  I know I wanted to.  Feeling his hand on my back sent shivers up my spine.  I wondered if he felt it?  Oh, the things I'd do to him.  I felt my pants beginning to get tight and had to walk away.  I couldn't let him see me like this; I needed to get some air.  

Don't you shiver, shiver
Say it loud and clear
I'll always be waiting for you

As soon as I got away from the crowd of people, I noticed the pub had gotten noticeably cooler.  The storm must be drawing nearer, I thought.  I looked back at Roy - he had his arms around himself, like he was cold.  I immediately strode to the coat rack and grabbed his trench coat. I'd at least kept my red coat on after I'd walked in.   

When I came back to him with his coat draped over my arm, I realized the crowd had departed, the stories had ended, and everyone was busy talking amongst themselves.  Now was my chance, I thought.  I stood next to Roy; he was indeed shivering.  "Cold?" I asked softly as I hung his coat over his shoulders.  I waited, looked down at my feet and shifted between them.  My hands were clasped in front of me.  When I looked back up, Roy was eyeing me quizzically.

"Thank you, Ed.  You know I—"

"What?" I asked anxiously.

"Nothing."  His brows tensed and his gaze rushed to his glass.

What did that mean, what did that mean, I screamed at myself!  

So you know how much I need you
But you never even see me, do you
And is this my final chance of getting you

I stood there, staring at him for a moment, hoping he'd say something else while he studied that damned glass of scotch.  But, he was silent.  Didn't he know how much I needed him?   What about all those times he came to my rescue?  Didn't he almost hug me once?  God, had I ever wanted him to.  He did this lately, I'd noticed, started to tell me something and then just stopped.  It was so nerve wracking.  But, I had his attention and now was my chance to do something.

"Roy, uh . . ."  Damn-it, my tongue didn't want to work.  What happened to me?

Roy looked up at me.  "Yes?"

"Uh, I uh, well . . ."  I sounded like a blithering idiot.  I paused and tried to collect myself.

"Ed, do you have something to say or not?"  Roy's voice sounded a little irritated.

I just stood there, mouth hanging open, paralyzed with fear.

And it's you I see, but you don't see me
And it's you I hear, so loud and so clear
I sing it loud and clear
And I'll always be waiting for you

"Hey Colonel," Havoc interrupted as he took a position directly in front of Roy.  

I noticed Roy's attention shift to Havoc; my moment was gone.  I sighed and slumped.

"So, what are we going to do about Envy?" Havoc blurted out, cigarette dangling out of the corner of his mouth.

"At the moment, I'm not sure, did you have something in mind?" Roy asked, shifting in his seat.

I started to get angry, didn't Havoc know I was talking to Roy?  Couldn't he see it?  "Hey, Havoc, take a number.  I was talking to Mustang."  I reasserted myself as best I could in Roy's direct line of vision.  I saw him look at me with those beautiful dark eyes.  I melted and my mouth turned to mush again.

"Oh, sorry, Fullmetal." Havoc said as he pulled his cigarette out of his mouth and tapped it on an ashtray.

"Well, Ed?" Roy asked sarcastically.

My face scrunched up in frustration, what the hell was I going to tell him, anyway?  Whatever it was, I certainly couldn't say it in front of Havoc.  I grunted, turned, and stomped away.  I just kept going and soon I found myself at the front door.  Not knowing what else to do, I opened it, walked just outside, and leaned against the wall of the pub with my arms folded across on my chest.

So I look in your direction
But you pay me no attention
And you know how much I need you
But you never even see me

After a few moments, I got antsy, so I opened the front door and took a quick peek back into the pub.  Roy was staring right at me, was he watching the door as Havoc talked to him?  I could only hope.  I returned to my position outside and waited.   The wind was picking up again and I felt it blow right under my jacket.  It felt like it somehow snaked through all the way into my bones.  I shivered and felt my teeth start to chatter.

Suddenly, a blast of warmer air licked my face as the pub door opened.  My heart lurched; it was Roy.  I held my position and watched as he pulled his collar up over his ears.  He stepped slowly and positioned himself in front of me.  I watched him rub his gloved hands together.  Then his eyes looked directly into mine.  I gasped, despite myself.

"What are you doing out here in the cold all alone?"  Roy continued to rub his hands together.  Then let them drop at his sides.

"I, uh, I . . ."  Damn-it, when was my mouth going to finally work again?

Roy appeared frustrated.  "What did you need, just tell me," his voice was low and he leaned his face in close to me.

I could smell scotch and cologne.  He was so close; a yearning to kiss him was quickly overwhelming me.  I could almost feel his lips on mine already.  I knew my breathing had gotten heavy and I was suddenly warm.   Without thinking, words poured out of me, "I need you, Roy."  I was breathless, open, vulnerable.

"I know."  Roy said softly.

"You know?"  I was incredulous.  

My lips were abruptly crushed by his kiss as he closed the gap between us.  I felt my heart, literally, stop and butterflies filled my stomach as our kiss deepened and his lips parted.  His insistent tongue flicked against my lips and I opened eagerly to receive it.  His hands came up to hold my face and his eyes - they were still gazing right into mine.  I thought I would burst and fall dead in front of him, but I didn't and still, he kept me captivated against his lips.  I felt a moan start low in my throat and push it's way out.  I was on fire, every part of my being surrendered to him, craved to be touched the way my lips were being touched, by him.  

I felt his body move closer until it pressed against me, pinning me to the building, his hardness meeting with mine.  I craved more pressure, but was too afraid to do any more than I already was.  Then, just as it had begun, he unexpectedly pulled away from me.

I just stood there, in a daze, looking up at him with ragged breathing.  Little clouds puffed in front of my lips in the cold air, betraying my desire.  I finally found my voice, "But, you never even see me."

"Come home with me, Ed."  Roy's eyes were pleading.

I felt his hand on my arm, tugging, persistent.  I actually reached down and pinched my leg; I was so amazed.  And, the pinch hurt, it was real, and I smiled like I'd never smiled before.  "Yes."